Therapist-Approved Guide to Start And Enjoy Couples Therapy in a Relationship

Starting couples therapy in your relationship doesn’t have to feel like failure. It can be the smartest decision you make together. It might feel awkward. You might even wonder, “Does this mean something’s wrong with us?”

The truth is that starting couples therapy in your relationship doesn’t mean it’s broken. In fact, it could be the smartest move you ever make together.

If you’ve been curious (or maybe even a little nervous), this guide is here to walk you through it, step by step, no pressure, no judgement.

Why Couples Therapy Might Be the Best Gift In Your Relationship

What if therapy wasn’t about fixing something that’s broken but about building something even stronger?

That’s precisely what couples therapy in your relationship can do. It’s not just for couples in crisis. It’s for anyone who wants to argue less, feel more connected, communicate better, or just understand each other without the drama.

We grow and change as individuals. Relationships do the same. But without regular check-ins or support, it’s easy to drift apart without even realizing it. Therapy gives you a space to reconnect, realign, and actually enjoy the process.

And there’s something pretty amazing about saying, “Let’s work on us together.”

Step‑by‑Step Guide On How to Start Couples Therapy in Your Relationship

Step 1: Talk to Your Partner Without Freaking Them Out

No one likes to feel like they’re being blamed or judged. But here’s the thing: couples therapy in your relationship isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about learning how to be a better team. The key is how you bring it up.

1. Don’t lead with “We need help.”

This immediately triggers defensive responses from others. Instead, try something like, “I love us, and I think working with a therapist could help us grow even stronger.”

2. Focus on connection, not correction.

Make it clear this isn’t about what they’re doing wrong; it’s about what you both could do better together. You might say, “Sometimes I feel like we’re not hearing each other. I’d love to have a safe space to work on that with you.”

3. Be honest. But kind.

You can still say what’s on your mind without turning it into a lecture. The goal here is to invite, not push.

Pro Tip: Timing matters. Don’t spring this conversation on them during a fight, while they’re exhausted, or in the middle of dinner. Choose a calm moment when you both can really talk.

Step 2: Know What to Expect from Couples Therapy

So, you’ve mentioned the idea of couples therapy, and your partner is receptive to it. But now you’re both wondering… What actually happens in therapy? It’s likely far less intimidating than you anticipate.

Here’s what you can expect when starting couples therapy in your relationship. There won’t be any unexpected occurrences, but rather a clear and straightforward understanding.

1. The First Session Is Mostly Just Talking

You’ll meet the therapist, discuss your issues, and share your therapy goals. It’ll be a moment of laying the foundation for everything that comes next.

Nobody’s going to force you to spill your deepest secrets or rehash every fight you’ve ever had. You set the pace.

2. You’re Both on the Same Team

Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet, you are both on the same team. A good therapist isn’t there to pick sides. Their job is to help you hear each other more clearly, not to declare “winners.” That alone can take so much pressure off.

3. You Don’t Need to Be in Crisis

This is a big one. You don’t need to be yelling, cheating, or on the edge of a breakup to go to therapy. In fact, starting therapy earlier often makes the process easier.

Couples therapy in your relationship can be about:

Building stronger communication habits
Navigating changes (moving in, parenting, blending families)
Working through past stuff that keeps bubbling up
Or just learning how to love each other better

So don’t wait for a meltdown. Therapy works best when you’re still in the game and willing to grow.

Step 3: Choose the Right Couples Therapist for Your Relationship Goals

When you are looking for the right therapist, it is like dating. You want someone you vibe with, someone who gets you, and someone who helps both of you feel safe being honest. Your choice of therapist can significantly impact the entire experience.

So if you’re starting couples therapy in your relationship, don’t just pick the first name that pops up on your search. Here’s how to make a smart choice:

1. Look for Credentials That Actually Mean Something

Anyone can call themselves a “relationship coach,” but for legitimate therapy, you want to choose someone who is licensed. Look for letters like

LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)
LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)
PsyD or PhD (Doctorate-level therapists)

These folks are trained specifically to help couples work through issues together and not just give advice.

2. Make Sure They’re a Fit for Both of You

This isn’t a solo gig. You both need to feel comfortable and heard. Most therapists offer free 10–15 minute intro calls. Use that time to ask:

“What’s your approach with couples?”
“Have you worked with [your specific issue] before?”
“How do you make sure both partners feel supported?”

If you notice something feels off? Trust your gut. It’s totally okay to keep looking until it clicks.

3. Watch for Red Flags

If the couple’s therapist is the one who interrupts, lectures, or seems biased toward one partner, that’s not it.

You deserve someone who:

Listens more than they talk
Keeps things neutral and fair
Makes space for both voices

In your relationship, couples therapy should feel like a safe zone rather than a courtroom.

Step 4: Set Goals Together Before You Walk Into the Room

Before you show up to your first session, take a minute to talk about why you’re going. I mean, yes, you’re starting couples therapy in your relationship to work on things, but what does that actually look like for you both?

Aligning your goals will significantly reduce the awkwardness and increase the productivity of your therapy sessions.

1. Ask Each Other: “What Do We Want to Get Out of This?”

Attempting to ask a simple question like that might feel awkward at first, but it can lead to some really honest conversations. Maybe you want to fight less. Maybe they want to feel more appreciated. Maybe you’re both just tired of repeating the same patterns.

Whatever it is, write it down. Keep it real, and keep it specific.

Examples:

“I want us to stop shutting down during arguments.”
“I want to feel more like a team again.”
“I want us to reconnect emotionally and physically.”

2. Short-Term vs. Long-Term Wins

You don’t have to solve everything at once. It’s totally okay to focus on smaller wins first, like learning how to talk without blowing up or creating space for weekly check-ins. Then, over time, you can work on the deeper stuff.

Quick wins = motivation to keep going.

3. Create a Simple “Therapy Vision” Together

Imagine how much smoother things will go if you both walk in with a shared purpose. Try this:

“Our goal for couples therapy is to improve communication, build trust, and understand each other better so we feel more connected every day.”

With just one sentence, you’ve transformed into a cohesive team, rather than two individuals blaming each other.

Step 5: Make the Most of Every Session

You can actually enjoy therapy. It’s not all tears and tension. When you intentionally show up, couples therapy can be a refreshing change in your relationship.

Here’s how to get the most out of it (without turning it into an emotional boot camp):

1. Show Up Ready, Not Just Present

Therapy isn’t just about venting. It’s about working together. Before each session, take five minutes to check in with yourself:

What’s been on your mind?
What has felt better (or worse) since the last session?
What’s one thing you want to work on today?

This helps you stay focused and makes your time count.

2. Be honest. Even When It’s Uncomfortable

No one loves being vulnerable. But real growth happens when you stop sugarcoating or side-stepping. Say what’s true for you, but say it with care.

Example:
Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I share something important and don’t get a response.”

It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being real.

3. Don’t Leave It All in the Office

One hour a week isn’t magic. The real progress happens between sessions, when you start applying what you’ve learnt in everyday moments.

If your therapist suggests a new way to communicate, try it during your next disagreement. Practicing outside the office will give room for a lasting change inside the relationship.

And celebrate the small wins. Not every session has to be heavy. Sometimes you’ll laugh. Sometimes you’ll high-five. That’s progress too.

What If One Partner Is Resistant?

You may be receptive to the concept of therapy, but your partner may not share your enthusiasm. Maybe they shut it down with a quick “I’m fine” or joke their way out of it.

It’s super common for one person to be more hesitant about starting couples therapy in a relationship. However, this doesn’t imply that the relationship is doomed. Here’s what you need to do:

1. Don’t Take It Personally

Resistance usually isn’t about you. It’s about fear, pride, or not knowing what to expect. Some people grew up thinking that therapy meant something was wrong or that it made them “weak”. This is totally understandable. It’s totally fixable.

2. Ask, Don’t Push

Coming at them with “You NEED this” will backfire fast. Instead, ask curious, non-judgy questions:

“What worries you about therapy?”
“What would make it feel more comfortable?”
“Would you be open to just one session to see how it feels?”

Start slow. Sometimes just getting them in the door is enough to shift their perspective.

3. Try Individual Therapy First (If Needed)

If they’re just not ready, that doesn’t mean you have to wait. Therapy can help you and your partner. And sometimes, when they see you working and growing from it, they get curious. And that curiosity can lead to openness.

4. Offer a Low-Stakes Intro

Try this:

“What if we just talk to someone once? No pressure, no long-term thing. Just to see if it helps.”

Framing therapy as an experiment rather than a big commitment can make it feel a whole lot safer.

How to Afford Couples Therapy Without Breaking the Bank

Therapy isn’t always cheap. And when you’re trying to start couples therapy in your relationship, cost can feel like a major roadblock. However, you’ve got options. Therapy doesn’t have to drain your bank account.

Here’s how to make it doable, even on a tight budget:

1. Check Your Insurance

Firstly, turn over your insurance card and dial the number provided. Many plans cover mental health services, including couples counselling. Ask if:

Couples therapy is covered
There’s a co-pay or deductible
You need a referral from your doctor

Some therapists are “out of network” but can still give you a receipt (called a superbill) for partial reimbursement. Worth asking.

2. Look for Sliding Scale Therapists

Many therapists provide sliding scale rates that depend on income, particularly those in private practice or newer clinicians who are accumulating hours towards licensure.
Try searching:

Psychology Today
Open Path Collective
TherapyDen
Local universities with therapy training programs

You might be surprised how affordable it can be.

3. Consider Online Therapy Platforms

Sites like BetterHelp, Talkspace, or ReGain offer flexible pricing and packages specifically for couples. You can video chat, message, or set up phone sessions, all from your couch.

Plus, online options can save you time and travel money.

4. Space It Out (If Needed)

Therapy doesn’t have to be weekly forever. As you progress, you can transition from weekly to biweekly or monthly check-ins. It’s your call.

Remember, investing in couples therapy for your relationship now might actually save you money (and stress) down the road. When you talk about divorce, resentment, and miscommunication, they’re all way pricier.

Signs It’s Working, Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It Yet

Couples therapy in a relationship isn’t a quick fix. You won’t walk out of the first session feeling like everything’s magically better. And that’s totally okay.

Here are some subtle (but powerful) signs that indicate things are moving in the right direction, even if you’re not high-fiving after every session:

1. You’re Talking More (Even If It’s Messy)

Maybe you’re still arguing, but now you’re actually talking instead of shutting down or stonewalling. That’s progress. Communication takes practice.

2. You’re Catching Bad Habits in Real Time

You start noticing things like,
“Oh wow, I’m doing that interrupting thing again.”
For example, “She’s trying to connect, but I’m pulling away.”
That awareness? It means therapy is working its magic.

3. Fights Feel Less Explosive

Although fights might still occur, their duration is shorter. Less blaming. More understanding. Even a small shift in tone or language is a giant win.

4. You’re Feeling More Like a Team

You start to say “we” instead of “me vs. you.” You’re tackling issues side by side instead of across the battlefield. That emotional shift is one of the clearest signs you’re building something better.

5. You’re Using What You Learn Outside the Session

It could involve finding a new way to bring up a difficult topic or remembering to pause before reacting impulsively. These small, everyday changes are what create long-term growth.

Therapy isn’t always linear. You may experience positive progress during some weeks, while others may seem like a regression. But keep showing up. The progress is there, even if it’s quiet.

How to Keep the Positive Momentum Going After Therapy Ends

So you’ve done the work. You’ve had the tough conversations. The therapy helped you grow, reconnect, and figure out how to really show up for each other.

But what happens after therapy? How do you make sure all those beneficial changes stick?

Here’s how to keep the momentum alive long after you’ve wrapped up your sessions.

1. Schedule Monthly Check-Ins

Consider this as a mini relationship tune-up. Once a month, grab a coffee, go for a walk, or just sit on the couch and ask:

How are we doing?
What’s been working?
Is there anything we need to adjust?

Keeping this habit helps you catch small issues before they snowball.

2. Keep Using Your Therapy Tools

Don’t just leave everything you learnt in the therapist’s office. Keep using those strategies:

Active listening
“I feel” statements
Taking breaks when things get heated
Setting healthy boundaries

These are life tools, not just therapy homework.

3. Know When to Go Back

You don’t have to wait for a meltdown to check back in with your therapist. A quick refresher session can keep you both on track.

4. Keep Talking Always

What’s the most important secret? Never stop communicating. Keep being honest. Keep being curious about each other. Keep making space for those “Hey, can we talk?” moments.

Couples therapy provides you with the necessary tools to continue evolving as a couple.

Conclusion

Starting couples therapy in a relationship isn’t a sign that you’re falling apart; it’s proof that you’re willing to grow together. Whether you’re deep in conflict or just want to feel closer again, therapy can help you reconnect, communicate better, and actually enjoy your relationship more.

It’s not always easy. It won’t always feel comfortable. But it’s worth it. You don’t have to know all the answers. All you need to do is initiate the process. So go ahead, have the conversation, book the session, and show up. You’ve got this.

FAQ:

❓ Is couples therapy only for married people?

Not at all. Couples therapy is for any committed relationship: dating, engaged, married, or somewhere in between. If you care about each other and want to grow stronger together, therapy can help.

❓ What if my partner doesn’t want to go?

It is very common for one partner to feel unsure about attending therapy. Try to have a calm, open conversation about why it matters to you. You can also start therapy on your own; sometimes that encourages your partner to join once they see the benefits.

❓ How can I find the right couples therapist?

Start by searching platforms like Psychology Today or TherapyDen, filter by “couples” or “relationship issues”, and check credentials (LMFT, LCSW, etc.). Book a short consultation to feel out the vibe before committing.

❓ How long does couples therapy usually last?

It really depends on your goals. Some couples go for a few months, others longer. You might start weekly, then taper to biweekly or monthly. The goal is progress, not perfection.

❓ Will the therapist take sides?

Nope, at least not a favourable one. A qualified therapist will support both of you equally. Their job is to help you understand each other better, not to declare you a “winner”.

❓ Can couples therapy in your relationship actually make things worse?

It might feel uncomfortable at first; that’s normal. But when you stick with it, therapy tends to improve communication and connection. Any tough moments usually lead to better understanding and trust in the long run.